So it appears that over the past few months since my last post, I have had a lot of learning experiences. I am learning what it means to be a dad, I am learning how to love my wife during the times I don't feel like loving her, and I am learning that God has given me the potential to exceed my expectations of myself. This has been a very hard pressed time. I personally have never felt so far removed from God. I struggle to 'feel' His presence in my life. I am not leading my family well. On the outside it looks great, but on the inside, I am at fault for my wife's lack of interest in church and her lack of desire to even go. And to be on the leadership team and no one to know what is really going on is very tough. I want the men to pry into me and strip me down to bare the issues that are going on within the four walls of my home, but I don't see that happening.
I don't have close friends anymore and the ones that I feel should be my close friends, don't live in any proximity of my house. I am about 30-45 minutes away from my church home and the community that I feel me and my family should be involved in, but we continue to live in the same house, talk to the same friends that we had before we changed churches. I don't know what to think. I am struggling with where God wants me and my family. I am beginning to question whether or not I even heard from God to leave. I am just so lost when it comes to all this that I am learning what it means to listen.
I am learning to pick up on the subtleness of my wife when it comes what she wants and desires. Sometimes her subtleness is as subtle as a brick to the face. And my precious daughter continues to excite me every day. She is growing by leaps and bounds. She is now crawling and talking that I keep holding out for that one day when she says 'Da-Da'. It hasn't come yet, but I know that one day she will say it and my heart will melt again. So I wait.
And I wait.
Waiting for what I ask? I am not sure. But through all of this learning and waiting, I am finding more clarity within my own theology and understanding of the Bible. I am finding truths that I had not known before, and I am even stripping off some old baggage that I carried with me after leaving our previous church home. That has been a good thing. This has been a hard thing. This has been a joyous thing. My wife had been telling me that there was this anger that seeped into my conversations when I talked of the past church. She said that I needed to watch my tone and to let it go. But who wants to let go of something that they can wound people with? I love that feeling in my gut that at any moment I can stab that person with words and wound them harder and deeper than they ever imagined. I even did this with my wife. Her past came up and I felt betrayed. I felt that she was not the person I married and that somehow I was being betrayed by her. I was feeling something inside me that was telling me that all this was happening now and somehow I bought into that lie. I would wound her with my words and crush her in my heart. I wanted out and didn't care what destructive path I would leave in my wake. Then I met with my current pastor and talked about it all and realized that I needed to forgive her, even if this was in the past. For some reason, I never forgave her from her past because it never came to the forefront of my mind. When we met we were in a whirlwind of emotions and feelings that at that point I could care less of what she had done with her life. All I knew was that I loved here and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. So when all this came up, we had never dealt with it. We were newlywed parents. Just being newlyweds is tough, but throw a kid in the mix. Now that is just insanity. And then the changing of churches and the damage in my heart that was caused from the leave, added to all of this was just a recipe for disaster. I had to keep clinging to the fact that God had married us. God had brought us together and that I should feel so priveleged to think that out of all the men in the world, God chose me to be the image bearer of Christ to my wife and to love her as Christ loves the church. This is a huge responsibility and God asked me to do that. I was blown away when I came to that realization. Truly blown away. I say all of that to say this. God has done an amazing work in my heart over the past year, and I know He isn't finished. Completion won't happen this side of eternity, but I now have a clearer understanding of my call. My call is to follow Jesus, lead my family well and love my church.
And with that, this brings me full circle to my original point of not leading well. I know I am falling short. I know I need help. But, to ask for help, is to admit that I can't do it all. And for a man to admit that, feels like defeat. I want more than ever to be victorious, and to be that, I need help. So I am pleading with God to help. Draw me in to you so that I can be lead by your Spirit, so I can love and lead my family well.
I love the song by Sanctus Real called Lead Me. This is how I feel about 99.9% of the time, so I am going to end with these words:
So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?
To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing things that I could give up
I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me 'cause I can't do this alone
Father, lead me 'cause I can't do this alone
I don't have close friends anymore and the ones that I feel should be my close friends, don't live in any proximity of my house. I am about 30-45 minutes away from my church home and the community that I feel me and my family should be involved in, but we continue to live in the same house, talk to the same friends that we had before we changed churches. I don't know what to think. I am struggling with where God wants me and my family. I am beginning to question whether or not I even heard from God to leave. I am just so lost when it comes to all this that I am learning what it means to listen.
I am learning to pick up on the subtleness of my wife when it comes what she wants and desires. Sometimes her subtleness is as subtle as a brick to the face. And my precious daughter continues to excite me every day. She is growing by leaps and bounds. She is now crawling and talking that I keep holding out for that one day when she says 'Da-Da'. It hasn't come yet, but I know that one day she will say it and my heart will melt again. So I wait.
And I wait.
Waiting for what I ask? I am not sure. But through all of this learning and waiting, I am finding more clarity within my own theology and understanding of the Bible. I am finding truths that I had not known before, and I am even stripping off some old baggage that I carried with me after leaving our previous church home. That has been a good thing. This has been a hard thing. This has been a joyous thing. My wife had been telling me that there was this anger that seeped into my conversations when I talked of the past church. She said that I needed to watch my tone and to let it go. But who wants to let go of something that they can wound people with? I love that feeling in my gut that at any moment I can stab that person with words and wound them harder and deeper than they ever imagined. I even did this with my wife. Her past came up and I felt betrayed. I felt that she was not the person I married and that somehow I was being betrayed by her. I was feeling something inside me that was telling me that all this was happening now and somehow I bought into that lie. I would wound her with my words and crush her in my heart. I wanted out and didn't care what destructive path I would leave in my wake. Then I met with my current pastor and talked about it all and realized that I needed to forgive her, even if this was in the past. For some reason, I never forgave her from her past because it never came to the forefront of my mind. When we met we were in a whirlwind of emotions and feelings that at that point I could care less of what she had done with her life. All I knew was that I loved here and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. So when all this came up, we had never dealt with it. We were newlywed parents. Just being newlyweds is tough, but throw a kid in the mix. Now that is just insanity. And then the changing of churches and the damage in my heart that was caused from the leave, added to all of this was just a recipe for disaster. I had to keep clinging to the fact that God had married us. God had brought us together and that I should feel so priveleged to think that out of all the men in the world, God chose me to be the image bearer of Christ to my wife and to love her as Christ loves the church. This is a huge responsibility and God asked me to do that. I was blown away when I came to that realization. Truly blown away. I say all of that to say this. God has done an amazing work in my heart over the past year, and I know He isn't finished. Completion won't happen this side of eternity, but I now have a clearer understanding of my call. My call is to follow Jesus, lead my family well and love my church.
And with that, this brings me full circle to my original point of not leading well. I know I am falling short. I know I need help. But, to ask for help, is to admit that I can't do it all. And for a man to admit that, feels like defeat. I want more than ever to be victorious, and to be that, I need help. So I am pleading with God to help. Draw me in to you so that I can be lead by your Spirit, so I can love and lead my family well.
I love the song by Sanctus Real called Lead Me. This is how I feel about 99.9% of the time, so I am going to end with these words:
So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?
To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing things that I could give up
I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me 'cause I can't do this alone
Father, lead me 'cause I can't do this alone
